| school: not going so well. they threatened to kick me out because of my
suicidal issues and cutting. stupid me opened my big mouth. but what
the fuck, like i would commit suicide on school growns. i am not a
moron. i am freaking out. it's a complete mess.i have to sign a
contract and i am on some sort of probation. i am in two honors classes
and i am worried about the work i am missing.
cut. cut. cut. i have an x on my wrist. i usually don't carve into my
wrist things like that. i am so out of sorts, like usual but it just
hurts more. maybe i am crying too much because i am not taking my mood
stablizer. i am testing it out. i hate to shallow it.
no more typing.
i need to cut now. i don't understand how you guys can be my friends when i am so fat and everything bad in the world.
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| the need to bleed is taking over.
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| i am so depressed. i know. i
say it often but i am so tired of feeling it. i am tired of saying it,
talking about it just living it. a friend died and i wish it were me.
He shouldn't have. he was amazing and i am just fucked up. i just hate
these tears. i hate these words. i hate that i have to look at myself
in the mirror everyday and deal with this ugly fat girl with no
intellegence. i am tired of hating. i just wish it could be like my day
dreams. i wish i could have the perfect girlfriend, come home to and
kiss, and share money. i want her to pick me up at school and kiss my
scars and say they don't make me ugly. say that they make me stronger
than ever because i endured the pain.
i want someone to touch my body and feel the bones. i want to hold the hand of the enemy and get them to say your not so bad.
i just want to crawl away. i
want to lock myself away and wait till it's hard so i can cut away the
pain, so i can purge and purge and binge again.
i want your love. can you give me that? no hate. no cuts suck, or
bulimia is gross. i don't want hatred or anger. i don't want sadness. i
need someone to love me. could that be you. can anyone of you love a
fuck up? because no one else seems to love me.
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| if i said it was the end would you shade a tear? i won't if i was you. i am just a scared sad girl looking to fly away to better. help me.
i don't want to trouble anyone. i am on to much meds and too much laxies. i just want to give up but i know i can't for the people in my life. i need them to love me. i can't disappoint them but i know i do, everyday. i am so fat.
i will edit later
love kat |
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i know i am a loser....i smoke..it helps lose weight and well i am addicted. i have an addictive personality
my scars. two years old.